​Chew them up and swallow 
Whole swarms draw their lines
In the sand live the dreaded beasts of the unknown 
Sickly words turn yellow
Belly full of ache in dim caverns
Crumble beneath heavy lies flailing in the shallows 
Throwing hatred like pie 
Chart the unknown course of action
Plan in adherence to faith in fear
Snakes manipulate tongues
Forked roads that slip sideways downhill
Slope right on venom soaked gardens of earth
Damp thoughts sprayed 
Down all equal deeds as indoctrination
Nation stands slumped over in acute unconsciousness
Derived from hard stone
Caves of unschooled fish troll the dark
Hearts closed shut like the boarders of quarantined houses
Filled with old whoa
Horse whipped into fatal gallop
Pull up just as the Devil looked in the mirror and saw us
#NowWakeUp

Eyes shine bright
Tears tearing through warm flesh
Many bones quaking with fresh hells

Ivory towers tarnished orange
Walls made of fear in mind and heart
Deceiving through guise of allegiant safety

Nothing compares, no thing
To home we pledge, though yearn
As freedom spreads her wings to call us forth

All rise with promises anew 
Weep with home sickness juxtaposed
Gratitude wells with possibilities, derision abides

Hope stays short sighted
Drive the grind as always lean to work
Diligent beyond the scope of skin and privilege

Enough is bondage
Brains see deeper pits and higher walls
With every collected penny scarcity rises and floats

Bondage free
Though fetter may rankle and pester 
Through the impossible voices freedom rings

Stronger en masse
Even inside always outside, always us
We are you are me are them are mirrored and tarnished

Hate claims duty
Shadow darkest at noon the sun shines
Love rises, takes her place amongst broken hearts

Welcome to the hearth
Belonging severs separation dissolving division
Blessed are the oppressed, for theirs is a place called Home 
​

Sometimes fears come up. They just do.
Sometimes things just kinda suck. They just do.
Sometimes we give in to superstitions - we think that something is "too good to be true", or we "prepare ourselves" for the dark shadows "potentially" lurking around the corner of life. We just do.
Sometimes we make the same mistake over and over. We just do. 

Here's the thing - sometimes it is not worth it to fight against all of the "negative" things that come up in our brain. 
Yep, I just said that.
BUT...
 but there is an AND.

Maybe you cannot turn off the fears and negativity that are coming up in your brain. Or maybe you can mostly do it, but it takes large reserves of will power and energy and you are tired. So tired.

Here's where the AND comes in. It doesn't always have to be all or nothing. We don't have to be only happy and not sad. Only positive and not negative. Only motivated and not lazy. Only good and not bad. Only decisive and not indecisive... you get my point. 
We are human. That means we are so often both. We can often feel motivated AND lazy, happy AND sad, good AND bad. 
So what's my point?
The investment.
What the hell does that mean?

There is a difference between what you are watching and what you are investing in.
Here's an example:
I like to come back over and over again to, "All things work together for good." I use it as a motto, I come back to it, it is a mantra, a prayer, a staple. Sometimes my brain believes it, sometimes it doesn't. My spirit believes it. My brain gets unruly and goes off on a tangent, or travels into places that I sometimes wonder if it can even come back from, or it spins into a tailspin, or gets stuck in the quicksand of fear. Sometimes that just happens. It does.

The thing that I have come to practice though, is just watching. Watching where I can, my own process, watching my fear, watching my negativity, watching my pain, watching my drama, watching... 
Practicing just watching without trying to immediately "change" the way my brain is thinking then allows me to make an investment. A small choice in the direction that my spirit says it needs to go despite what my brain is thinking. It might go something like this, (though not necessarily this linear, but for the sake of writing a blog that a reader can follow... you get my point.) 
so it might go something like this...

Higher brain: (I will call the Higher Self, surrendered, non-ego, spirit  part of my brain, the Higher brain and the lower, ego based, less flexible part of my brain- which also has a good purpose by the way, and a whole 'nother blog post - the Lower brain. Whatever you want to call them that works for you, go for it.) so...

Higher Brain: "All things work together for good."
Lower brain: Bull shit. This sucks, I don't know if I can do it. I don't feel good anyway, and why can't things just be easier, and what is with all of this challenge anyway? You always say that all things work together for good, but this isn't good, so why keep saying that? And what if it gets worse anyway... and...and... and on and on. *Phew* 
The Lower brain can be quite a handful sometimes.
Higher brain: Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmmm. Isn't that interesting.
Lower brain: Wah, waaah, wah, waah, wah, wahhhh.... (Just like the teacher in Charlie Brown.) 
The Lower brain just keeps churning out its "stuff".  
Higher brain: 
*Silent* ...just watching. 
The Higher brain has been practicing just watching the lower brain, not trying to change it, not trying to argue with it, not trying to soothe it, not trying to compete with it... just allowing it to do its thing.
Meanwhile it is making a choice in its next investment.
Higher brain: "There you are saying the same thing over and over again Lower brain. How funny you are. Actually quite predictable you know. So here's the investment I am going to make and keep making,
ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD."  

(Now for you this could come in a different form or forms. The above is simply an example. It could be a motto, mantra, prayer, meditation, or simply just a higher thought.) The idea is that you are not spending an exorbitant amount of energy in trying to get rid of the lower thought, merely that you are making an investment in something else. You are allowing the energy to go to the AND... My lower brain is going off on a tangent AND I am making an investment in this motto, this journey to who want to be. 

The idea on this journey to who you want to be is that you keep driving the car down the road with Lower brain chatting away in the back seat. If you always stop the car to try and get Lower brain to shut up, you are getting no where fast. If you always let lower brain drive... well who KNOWS where that goes, and if you are always investing in trying to soothe Lower brain's fears, there is little investment left for anything else.

So, what will the investment be? You get to choose.
And I bet with a little practice, pretty soon even Lower brain will want to be along for the ride...

Here I am. Starting over again. 
Can you relate? 
Re-doing your website.
Re-doing your blog.
Posting on social media, stopping, getting side tracked, letting "life" get in the way, starting, stopping.
Starting-stopping-starting-stopping-starting-stopping.
If you are the type of person who knows what they want, sets a goal, follows the steps, and "wa-la!" you are there and on to the next goal... yeah you. 
No really, I realize that was said a little flatly, but I am happy for you - truly, that is awesome, as long as you feel it in the depths of your soul and you are happy where you are going, that is awesome.

But for many of us, the process is messy. It is messy and frustrating and exhilarating and much like birthing and raising a child - try using a predetermined, mono step, linear method to raising a kid. 
*Snort* 

So, here I am.
Starting over again.
Or maybe it isn't "starting over" but more like "still in the process". Just a different part of the process. 
At least I can say I haven't given up. It seems forever ago that I birthed Luminous Universe, but maybe it was actually just gestating. Maybe I am at that point where you feel like you have been pregnant forever. Maybe now is actually the birthing period. Who knows. All I know is that I am choosing to continue...
baby steps.
More baby steps.
Baby steps.

Partners, family, friends... birthing and raising a child requires a whole community of people. And so, I am reaching out. Asking for support, asking for answerability (I like that word better than accountability... I'd rather answer than account, just sayin'), asking for a hand in raising Luminous Universe or at least a raised hand to Luminous Universe.

Not that LU isn't its own. It is. Just like my son was very much his own, even at a very young age. He knew himself. He knew who he was, and for the most part, what he needed. It was my job to listen. To listen and provide support in what he needed, what he needed to bring forth the creation that was himself. For a while I posted this sign on his bedroom door, "Agreement is not necessary, thinking for oneself is." He is a thinker for sure, but that is another blog post.
So it is with LU.
I am here to listen, to facilitate, to support, to allow it to be what it IS. Mostly I am here as a conduit, and mostly I need those who are interested in being in my community to keep whispering to me...
"Baby steps."
(and LU will do the same for you.)